Well, the following is a post from Jess. We hesitated to post it, because it is our darker side.  As we have made our way through this journey it has been amazing to see our writing go from agonizing at the beginning of our journey, to holding on to strength and faith.  We hesitated because our journey has once again headed for uncharted territory…bringing out another set of agonizing emotions.  We hesitated because we want to be able to share our faith, strength and peace.  But then we realized this whole blog has always been real and in the moment.  Even when I started it a few years before Jess joined me…My intention was to be me, in the real life moment.  So for those of you who are going on the ride with us…it’s gonna get a bit bumpy… but I promise there will be growth…and that is the only thing I am sure of right now.  🙂

We love you all and hope you gain something from our willingness “tell it like it is”…

And now for a tear jerker….

When I moms mind is left to wander to dark places…

The next morning my thoughts are relentless. I woke up from having bad dreams. In and out of sleep. I meet a friend for coffee and even though it didn’t make me feel better about the thoughts I was thinking it was nice to be real and raw and not have to put on a happy face. On the drive home I start to downspiral. My mind wars. I get home and see my beautiful boys playing outside while my husband mows the lawn. I walked inside and methodically started loading the dishwasher. I looked out my kitchen window and saw that Zayne was trying to catch a frog. The frog would hop and Zayner would hop. The frog was always a hop ahead. Zayner would have to find him in the grass and when he did he would hop and try and grab him. I looked across the yard and saw Jake watching him too. He grinned and brought his hand up to his face and wiped a tear away. I’m sure he was thinking a lot of the same thoughts I was. My heart twisted. I can’t fix this for anyone. I began loading more dishes. My mind drifted to never seeing him catch frogs again. Looking at his tricycle realizing he would never ride it again. I shook my head in attempt to stop it from thinking. I closed the dishwasher and went up stairs to clean my room. I put on some music. The song “It is well” came on. I rolled my eyes and began the discussion with God once again. That would NOT be well with my soul. Lord why am I thinking like this….seriously it’s ruining me. I’m drowning in fear here…just tell me you won’t take him and I can endure anything we have to…..ANYTHING. Just tell me I will still hold him and watch him grow. Tell me I don’t have to freak out and try and soak up every last moment I have with him. Again I shake my head trying to stop the nasty thoughts from over taking. I was so confused as to why I was having such dark thoughts. I packed up my stuff and told my husband I needed to go to my sisters. I was losing it. Everytime I looked at Zayne I cried and felt like I had to tell him how much I loved him. Poor Ayden is so sensitive. I kissed him goodbye with tears in my eyes and he just looked at me knowing something was wrong but also knowing he couldn’t fix it. “Where are you going mom?” He asked concerned. “ I’m just gonna go to Aunt Mames for a bit…I won’t be long.” He tilted his head and his eyes said to much. “I’m ok Buddy. I’ll see you in a little bit.” “Ok….Love you Mama.” My heart wrenched again, “I love you too baby.” I arrived at Jamies unable to breathe. Through tears and sobs I told her I was thinking of burying him and how it was a miracle that they operated on an inoperable tumor who’s to say everything would go that smooth again. I told her all of my dark nasty thoughts and just told her to fix me. I was done…I couldn’t breathe anymore thinking those thoughts were ruining my day and I wanted to enjoy my boys. I don’t know who I felt worse for, my sister watching me drown or me stuck in the pit I was in.  She asked me some questions that helped me realize I was searching for control, and I wouldn’t find peace until I found surrender, and I was just not ready to surrender, which she told me it was ok and that eventually I would find the answers I was looking for, but I just had to work through the emotions and experiencing them was part of that process.

For the rest of the day I just tried to survive. I put on my happy face when needed and broke down in moments I could. The ups and downs are brutal but I know if I’m quiet enough I will hear God speak to me. I will recognize how strong my baby is and how BIG of a GOD I serve. We will get through it. And I hope as we get through it we are able to have peace and learn all we can on this journey we are chosen to take.