So after a conversation with the surgeon, the one about putting a port into her babies brain, Jess texted me and said…. I am losing it in 3…2…1    And I of course jump into action, the big sisters digging through resources of how to pick her up.  I was a girl on a mission, I knew I wouldn’t be able to talk to her…so I wrote my heart.  I wrote all this unaware that she had spoken to the surgeon and I myself didn’t know what we about to embark on.   The following email came out and we thought it could be good to share….Jess, I am just going to write this because, well, because I am a writer.  LolI have no answers.  This whole situation has left me with one question to God for all humanity….why?I don’t know.  I wish I did.  I wish I could reason some greater, better person, higher calling mumbo jumbo that would give us a tiny answer as to why things happen the way they do.  But I can’t muster any of that up.  The only thing I know is I have just a little bit of faith. And as I said before…not because I am “Mother Theresa” truly devoted to God, but because without my faith… well, that is an insanity I can’t cope with.  So I am left with 2 options… a mustard seed…or a black hole.  I HAVE to choose the mustard seed, even if it is just another form of insanity…it is the only one that keeps me from climbing into my bed for the rest of my life.  And the other thing I know, is on this journey, the mustard seed I believe in…God…hasn’t left us and he has prepared us.  He has prepared us for each moment, before the moment.  Yes, I would like to ix-nay the moment all together…but he prepared us none the less.  And granted, I have had some long talks with him on his scheduling techniques and how I think they are a little off.  Perhaps he could use a secretary so he could remember to prepare us sooner, or send us an email or something of the next 2 years in advance.  Nope, “apparently” he prefers the “Indiana Jones”  version.  Ya know, when he has to take that step of faith over the vast, never ending canyon. Even though I don’t know what the future holds, nor am I quite sure I agree with his plan…I have seen him prepare us.  Right from the beginning.  Your dreams of pregnancy.  Then he mail ordered you the best surgeon, sent an angel, and gave you a peace just before one of the most unexpected days of your life.  And another thing I know, you are a fighter.  Tough as nails.  God knew that is who you needed to be, to get your boy exactly what he needs.   Stay here, stay now…it is the only thing that has a chance of keeping you sane. And if you can’t stay here and now, then focus on all the times he has prepared you.  If you allow the fear to take over…it will weaken your armor.  But if you can take that mustard seed, even if just to keep you sane, hang on  to the miracles and guidance he has given you step by step.  And believe your next lantern will be there right on time.  It’s like in Zoro, when he teaches him on the circle..  You fight what is in your circle, don’t get distracted with the layers out, fight what is right in your circle.  That fear of the what if’s with cause you to fight a battle that may not even exist, and even if it will some day exist, you can’t use all your strength fighting the mirage, or you will have nothing left when the real battles show up.  You have exactly what you need for today.  I can promise you, if you make the choice to tell that fear,  no!  That is a risk that will reap power, strength and wisdom.  And I mean all of it.  And it is a risk.  It is a real “rubber meets the road” risk.  But that risk has a tremendous reward.  But you are the only one who has the power to take that risk.  No one can do it for you and you know that.  As soon as you believe this risk has all the benefits you are looking for…then you will take it.  I just wish there was a way to make it feel like a good idea before you take it, but it doesn’t , you know deep, deep, deep in your heart that it is true, and if that Hollywood music would play while we take that risk…well, that would be great, but it doesn’t .  You take the risk in faith,  that your music will play later.  Jamie Lightner
TurningLeaf Seminars/Value Based Life Coach
www.jamielightner.com
517-242-0224

Sent from my iPhoneJamie Lightner