“Thank you, thank you so much for everything.”, my sister said grinning from ear to ear.
But by the time we walked down the hall and plopped ourselves into our waiting room seats, tears had filled up her eyes and were on the verge of spilling over. I didn’t have to ask anything, I already knew where her brain was headed and he was headed there fast. I knew in just a few moments Jake and the rest of our family would be coming around the corner and think we received devastating news. They had just went down stairs to grab a snack moments before the surgeon came to update us. I frantically dialed Jake as I followed Jess and the surgeon to a private room, so I knew they would return any minute now, Jake would probably be in a full run. I scrambled to figure out how to explain my sisters tears to those waiting for news. She wouldn’t be ready to talk, they would wonder what was wrong. And then they might still not understand.
Sure enough the look of horror on Jakes face when he saw his wife shedding her first tears since they stepped foot in the hospital this morning. Jess was amazing. She was so strong. She knew if she cried, Zayne would worry. So she put on her smile and talked to him about his funny hospital gown. But now that it was all over she found herself worrying about the moments to come. She had prepared herself for the surgery, she was ready, all her strength and faith was ready to entrust her baby to God and the doctor as he worked to drain the cyst and put her baby back together the way he belongs. What she didn’t prepare herself for was the feelings that would come when she realized it still wasn’t over. I mean, yeah, logistically she knew the tumor wasn’t totally respectable. But there was so much energy and faith that went into just making it through that day. I watched her for the first time since she found out about the brain tumor, shake her head and want to run away. I watched her ask herself the questions, do I have enough in me to start this fight again. Do I have enough strength left to go back to chemo, go back to worrying about his eyesight, go back to worrying about all the what if’s THIS chemo doesn’t work, go back to worrying about the growth of a new cyst only to have to charge up for yet another brain surgery.
For the first time that day I saw her look tired.
So as my sister let the tears run down her face, I explained to our family, that it was good news, everything did go great, she was just processing. By the perplexed looks on their faces I knew their brains were not running 90 miles an hour to the same place Jess’ brain was. In their minds we had made it through, and we had, but Jess knew as long as there was a piece of that tumor left, her battle wasn’t over.
Moments after the family returned, a nurse led us to the ICU waiting room. Jess and Jake went back to see their baby. It was at this point in time my dad came to me and was asking me why she wasn’t happy with the fact that the doctor drained the cyst and got a biopsy, that was the hoped for mission. While I found myself trying to explain my sister to my dad I realized why he couldn’t understand her, and that was because he was doing the same thing as a dad that she was as a mom. He desperately wanted to see his daughter at peace. He wanted her to be ok. He hated to see her in pain. When I saw this look of a father wanting to fix his daughters world it came to me! Of course! I need to explain it, from his perspective as a parent.
“Dad.” I said “You know how you just want Jessie to be ok. More than anything, you just want to be able to fix her thoughts so she can be at peace. You want her to be ‘all better’, per say.”
He nodded.
“Well, more than anything in the world, Jess wants to fix Zayne’s brain, she wants HIM to be ‘ALL- better’. And she can’t. And that is what she is dealing with, that after this extremely scary process that she was ready to walk through with him, he is still not ‘ALL- better.’ And just like it is hard for you not to be able fix her, it is hard for her not to be able to fix him.”
It was not until the following evening that Jess got the call from the surgeon with the exciting news. And she was excited! I frantically wrote the blog while she made some calls. The mood was energetic and exciting.
But later that night when the excitement began to settle and things began to quiet down, I watched her brain power up and begin to run again. Yes it was exciting news. We are guaranteed to have 3 months off chemo…but then what. And all the “what if’s flooded her mind.” What if it grows, what if the chemo doesn’t work….the list on repeat and continuing to add worse scenarios.
She looked at me and said, “I know everyone want me to be excited. I know I am SUPPOSED to be excited and relieved, but there is more to think about than what just happened yesterday.”
As she spoke my brain went on it’s own 90 second blip into the “what if” future. Yeah, we still didn’t know what was to come. We weren’t fully out of the woods. There are so many other dismal curves that could very well be ahead of us. After my own moment of discouragement I finally looked at her and said. “This fight we are in might be a long term fight, and I don’t know what is to come. But we have to celebrate the miracle that was handed to us. If we don’t, what will we celebrate? I don’t know what the future holds. As my husband says to me when I begin to fear everything, “we could get hit by a bus tomorrow”. We have to enjoy this moment. This amazing moment where God has intervened and given us a gift. We have to celebrate the good news. Someday there might be “not so good news” but if we don’t at least celebrate this good news, what in our lives will we ever get to celebrate. We can’t lose the moment of joy to the thoughts of “what if.”
And so we do…We do celebrate…And we are so glad YOU ALL are celebrating with us. I know Jess will share with you her own personal process along this ride, but here is my perspective…as the sister.

And here is the before surgery and after surgery MRI results…see for yourself.

Super Z is still doing good!

They are scheduled for a follow up MRI in May…. So No chemo till then for sure!  Yay!!!