Jamie Lightner

Well, I would say I am sorry for the scene, but I am not. Last spring I had a scary experience. I had heard that Timmy’s baseball practice was not directly after school because it was early release day and they would be meeting at the usual 3pm time. So I went up to the school to pick up Ayden for Jess and the rest of my kids. I left the little ones in the van with Josh and Kate while I went back into the school to look for Timmy. He hadn’t come out yet and I figured he must not have heard about the practice change time. The original plan was that he was going straight to practice after school.
Well, he was not on the baseball field, he was not in his teacher’s room and the office did an all call, in all 3 school buildings 3 times. A little bit of panic was setting in. Although I knew Timmy would not just go home with a stranger, I knew he was a kind hearted helpful kid and could see him helping someone out to be nice, and I knew someone who had this happen to relative(they helped someone move furniture and got abducted) So naturally, the fearful possibility seemed more tangible to me. So, the longer he didn’t show up, the more my emotions began to run my logic. My logic was, he is 10, he has to be here somewhere, we just had to uncover a few more rocks, but my emotions were saying, “We have turned over A LOT of rocks and it has been 10 min. WHERE IS HE!”
“Do you think he got on the bus?” His teacher asked.
“OH yeah, probably.” I said, feeling a bit of relief.
So she called the office to have them check the bus….
No Timmy to be found. At this time she left the room to do some searching on her own.
I called Jackie and when she said Hello, my first words were. “I can’t find Timmy.”
She could sense the panic in my voice, and she knows how I am about KNOWING where my kids are.
“I’ll be right there.” She said, without the slightest hesitation.
She was just leaving the school herself and turned around to come to my rescue.
When I saw her I couldn’t hold my tears anymore. She gave me a big hug. “Don’t worry, he is here somewhere.” she said
She was right. Right? I thought to myself. He has to be here somewhere. She kept coming up with ideas of where to check, and her son, Timmy’s best friend, searched every bathroom in the building. By this time I had sat in the hall, completely void of any other rocks I could turn over. We had checked under them all…twice each.
Jackie left me for a moment to do her own looking so I called Michael. He was keeping me calm. Also, he was asking me questions to see if we could find more rocks, per say, to look under. And then our call got disconnected and I couldn’t get him back. And then there was no one to keep me from heading to the scary places.
I could feel that familiar panic begin to set in just like when I lost Timmy in Meijers when he was only 3. (Yeah, losing kids, pretty much just Timmy, seems to be something I am too familiar with.) But I felt my lungs begin to constrict and my peripheral vision went black. My brain felt very foggy and I just wished my body would give in and pass out, thus making it impossible for my brain to keep running to worse case scenarios over and over like a bad horror film that I just couldn’t turn off. Esther came to my side praying in my ear. When Jackie returned, I was losing it. I remember her hugging me. I looked at her through my gushing tears and said. “It’s been too long, and we have looked everywhere. What do we do?” I could see the despair in her own eyes, she just hugged me. I knew from her silence that she didn’t have any answers to give me. But anyone who knows Jackie, knows she doesn’t stay answerless for long, she will bully her way to find them if she has to. So she grabbed me by the shoulders and said,

“Look at me!”
“I can’t, I just need Timmy.” I cried.
By this time it was all I could say over and over. “I just want Timmy. Why can’t we find him. How could I lose him again. I just need Timmy.” I said with tears streaming down my face and a bit of insanity taking over.
“Yes you can, look at me!” She said sternly “I know you are freaked out. But right now I need you to pull yourself together so we can go find him. Can you do that?” She asked with both desperation and determination in her voice.
“Ok, Yes. I can.” I said drawing from her strength and pulling myself a little bit together.
She helped me up and we headed toward the office when Leeann came down the hall and said.
“We found him!!!!” “He is ok.” “He hitched a ride home with your mom.”
“I couldn’t hug Jackie hard enough as my tears fear turned to tears of relief.”
What happened was…. Timmy was afraid I didn’t get the message about baseball, and my mom had worked late that day, so rather than ride the bus home, she dropped him off. She did text me and let me know, but my phone was on vibrate from working that day, and when I couldn’t find Timmy I never thought to check to see if I had any messages.
After we found him it seemed so silly. It seemed I had freaked out for nothing. Duh. He was right there all along. I began to feel so embarrassed. Boy, did I freak out for nothing. I found myself apologizing to everyone for making such a scene. For a long time, I carried that embarrassment of sitting in the floor crying, until recently when I realized I am not sorry. That is how I am going to react if I can’t find a kid. Now, hopefully he won’t come up missing again. Lol But the truth of the matter is I love my kids more than the air I breathe. And if that means I hit the floor in tears when I can’t find them, well, then that’s just the way it is. And I just can’t apologize for loving them so much it hurts! So I had a panic moment…You’re darn right I had a panic moment!!! That’s the kind of mom I am! So even though I feel like I should say I am sorry…I am not really sorry. 😉
But I will say thank you to Jackie who saw more crazy in my eyes that day than she probably wanted to…and yet she still loves me. lol