Did they know…

……….could they tell that

…..any moment I was going to…….. fall apart.

My eyes were hidden behind my sunglasses…was that enough.

Why were these emotions hitting now, Jess got the phone call 1 and a half hours ago. In that moment, you took charge, made sure Jess wasn’t alone, got the kids ready for their game, loaded the kids. Delivered Josh to his band meeting, dropped the friends to their mom, and took Ayden and Bo down to get their ball pictures. You spit shined their cheeks and spit gelled their hair. As soon as they were all set you headed off to join Josh at the band meeting.

You were mostly together, and on top of it, considering all that was going on. Now the big rush was over, here you have 30 minutes to watch Bo play before your next meeting, and fight or flight is sneaking up on you. Standing next to the concessions building, trying to be out of the way thoughts take over. Can I just leave. Can I just pack all my kids up, go home, make some popcorn and watch a movie. I love family movie night. Who doesn’t love family movie night? All of us watching some sort of family feel good movie(since Bo is only 8)

Suddenly… my eyes get cloudy with tears…I work hard to keep them from spilling over, yet their presence makes getting a glimpse of Bo in his adorable serious baseball stance very hard to see.

…Quickly I wiped a couple tears a way and shoved my emotions to the side

… It was time for the next meeting, as I headed across the field, out of nowhere a second set of tears rushed up on me. Could anyone see that I was about to have a “come apart”. Would I be able to smile and laugh, or would I seem rude. If I was distant, would they assume I was snobby or grumpy, or would they know we just found out the cyst is growing again.
Pull yourself together Jamie, close friends of yours are facing worse battles. You have so much to be grateful for. Yes, this is true. We do have so much to be grateful for…and I truly am. But tonight, if I am going to be truly honest…I am sad and scared.

The MRI did reveal that the cyst is filling up with fluid again.  More details to come as we get them, and Jess will post her thoughts tomorrow.